“Would you like something to eat?”
        “No.”
        “Are you sleepy? Do you wanna just go to bed?”
        “No.”
        “Wanna talk some more?”
        “No.”
        Mulder sighed and made one last ditch attempt. “Do
you want me to leave you alone Scully?” His pathetic
tone of voice must have caught her attention because
she looked up at him for the first time since they’d
gotten back to Bill Scully’s house. He’d been trying
desperately to find the one thing that might make her
feel a tiny bit better since they’d left Emily’s
funeral and finally realized that perhaps his absence
was what she really needed more than anything. Much as
he was loath to leave her side he was willing if it
was what she wanted. She shook her head emphatically.
        “No. No Mulder I don’t want to be alone now. Not at
all.” He sighed in relief and sat next to her on the
couch. She looked so pale and so tired. But still so
strong. He couldn’t recall seeing her shed a tear
throughout the entire funeral. He himself had been
overcome with grief for her. He’d actually left in the
middle of the service because he could tell his silent
inconsolable crying had been upsetting Scully
unnecessarily. She’d looked at him with sympathy
several times and seemed to be concerned for him. It
just hadn’t been fair to her to have to worry about
him at a time like that so he’d gone to buy some
flowers.
        He wished she would cry. He could see the tension
coiled in her from keeping it all inside, holding it
together for everyone else’s sake. He knew she
wouldn’t let this crumble her, that she’d add it to
all the other pain she’d endured and use it to make
her even more focused, more determined. But she needed
to cry. Anyone would. Anyone. Mulder had seen first
hand what losing a child could do to a woman. His
mother had never been the same after Sam’s
disappearance. She’d become bitter and withdrawn,
completely isolated from her family and friends. She’d
spent most of Mulder’s adolescence in a valium induced
stupor. He knew that wouldn’t happen to Scully but he
also realized she was in danger if she didn’t express
some of her anguish.
        “Is there anything you’d like Scully? Anything at
all?” She looked at him sadly and shook her head.
        “Mulder you don’t have to treat me like an invalid.
I don’t need anything. All I really want is to just
sit here with you and look at the tree for a little
while OK.” He smiled shyly and reached tentatively for
her hand. She grabbed his own back fiercely. Such a
strong grip for such a tiny hand. They sat in silence
for awhile staring at the colorful lights on Bill
Scully’s Christmas tree. Mulder felt a strange mixture
of contentment, loss, and envy. For the longest time
he’d harbored secret fantasies of having a home like
this with the woman next to him. He’d imagined
Christmases future, even though he never celebrated
the holiday himself, in a house like this, with a tree
like this, him and Scully sitting on their couch in
front of their tree with their kids. This was like
some kind of sick mockery of that scenario. He was
sitting with Scully, holding her hand which was enough
to satisfy him anyday. But he was an intruder in this
place and he knew it. The house and the tree belonged
to someone else. A man who despised Mulder and would
probably be angry to even see him seated here with his
sister. A man with a wife and child of his own.
Something Mulder knew now that he would never have.
        Scully’s barrenness was his own as well. He could
never have a child with another woman. He’d realized
that fact a long time ago. He knew she was his only
chance at that kind of a life. The only person he’d be
interested in sharing it with. And so he felt the pain
of what they’d taken away from her for her sake as
well as his own, although he could never share that
with her. He’d grown to care for Emily quite a bit and
had started to see her as some kind of hope for the
two of them. He’d been fully prepared to devote
himself completely to the child if Scully had let him.
        Suddenly Scully broke the silence. “You know
Mulder...” She looked pensive and a little afraid.
Perhaps she was finally ready to open up to him a bit.
He prepared himself to switch from self-pity mode to
comfort mode.
        “There is something I would like.” His stomach
lurched excitedly. Finally a chance to do something
for her.
        “What’s that?”
        She turned to him and offered him a pained smile. “A
drink.”
        A drink? That’s it? Well, it was a start. “Um, OK
sure Scully. What do you want, coffee, juice, soda...”
        “Whiskey.” Oh, that kind of drink. Mulder heard a
thousand panic buttons go off in his head. Alcohol.
That’s how his father had dealt with it. But Scully
was not his father. His father had used liquor to numb
the pain. Mulder’s guess was that Scully wanted it to
help her get in touch with that pain. Maybe it was
just what she needed. She seemed to think it was and
he was in no position to second guess her about this.
        “Bill’s gotta have some  booze in this place. I’ll
be right back.” She stood and moved away from him.
Great. She wasn’t even going to let him get it for
her. He listened to her rustling around in the kitchen
and felt another burst of domestic envy. He didn’t
even really have a kitchen.
        She came back with a bottle of Jaegermeister and two
glasses. “No whiskey but this is just as good.”
Jaegermeister? Mulder looked skeptically at the glass
she placed in front of him. He honestly didn’t think
he could have a sip of that stuff without gagging. And
those were damn big glasses. Scully filled hers to the
brim.
        “I think you’re supposed to drink that stuff in
shots Scully. You know a little bit at a time.”
        “Don’t worry about me Mulder. I’m Irish remember?”
She started filling his glass as well.
        “I’m not worried about you. I’m worried about me. I
have a confession to make. I’m a girlie man when it
comes to drinking Scully.” She smiled a little. Well
at least he’d accomplished that.
        “Just give me whatever you can’t finish Mulder.” She
held her glass up. “Cheers. Here’s to a truly crappy
Christmas.” And then she drank it. The entire thing.
Good God in Heaven. She coughed a little and wiped her
mouth with her sleeve and then belched in what had to
be the most unladylike moment he’d ever witnessed from
her in his life. But still beautiful. Somehow she
managed to make guzzling Jaegermeister and belching
completely adorable and feminine. Unbelievable.
        “Your turn girlie man” Right. Of course. His turn.
He lifted the glass slowly to his lips and took a tiny
reluctant sip. Fire. It was liquid fire. It burned his
lips, his tongue, his throat and all the way down to
his stomach. And he gagged. No vomit luckily but he
couldn’t help the reflexive action. Scully was
smirking. Sometimes the woman was truly evil.
        “You are a wuss Mulder. You can’t drink it in little
baby sips like that. It’s like getting in a cold
swimming pool. You can’t go one foot at a time. You’ve
gotta dive right in.”
        “Scully if I dive right into this you’re gonna be
scraping me and my intestines off the carpet.” She was
pouring more for herself. She seemed determined to
drink her weight in alcohol.
        “I’ll drink this one slowly so you can keep up with
me Mulder.”
        “Oh, don’t slow down on my account. You’re doing
just fine.” He attempted another sip, slightly larger
this time and found it even more difficult to stomach.
        “Mulder you’re pathetic. You’re turning green.”
        “Sorry Scully. I think I’m gonna have to sit this
one out. One of us should probably stay sober anyway.”
She took another gulp and pointed an accusing finger
at him.
        “You sir are no fun.” She poked him in the stomach
in a playful gesture which both shocked and delighted
him. A drunk Scully. This was something he’d never
seen but had always been curious about. The
circumstances were not the greatest but this didn’t
mean he couldn’t get some enjoyment out of it. She
leaned back against the cushions and put her feet on
the coffee table, yet another thing he’d never seen
her do, and took another tremendous swig.
        “This is a nice house huh?” He nodded wistfully.
Funny how he’d just been moping about the same thing.
“It’s exactly the same as the house I grew up in.
Weird. Navy issue. They’re all the same.” Mulder had a
mental image of a little Dana running through this
very living room, opening her presents Christmas
morning, playing with her toy guns and trucks or
whatever she’d played with. Certainly not dolls. Not
his Scully. Maybe stuffed animals though. He could
picture that. For some reason he needed to know. To
fill in the blanks.
        “Hey Scully what kind of toys did you like to play
with when you were little?”
        “Um...matchbox cars, Light Bright, I had a Snoopy
snow cone machine that I loved, Leggos..I liked to
build big Leggo cities. I dunno what else. I had a
little kiddy microscope that I used all the time. I
used to go outside and dig up worms and bring them in
the house to examine.” That was perfect. He had a
vivid image of a little red headed loony child
bringing nasty worms into this immaculate house and
plopping them down on her kiddy microscope.
        “Bet your mom loved that.”
        “What about you Mulder? Did you have little toy
EBEs?”
        “No I was into games. I liked to play board games
and do brain teasers and stuff like that. I liked
jigsaw puzzles too. And I loved my telescope.”
        “Boy sounds like I’m not the only one who was a big
old geek. Did you ever have braces Mulder? God braces
really sucked.” He smiled at the horrific memory. He’d
had braces for five years. And they hadn’t really even
helped that much. He still had an annoying overbite.
        “Did you have a lot of girlfriends when you were
growing up Mulder?” Oh boy. She had to be on her way
to being wasted if she was asking him a question like
that. As much as he wished they could talk about
things like this more often the question made him
terribly nervous.
        “Um...not exactly.”
        “Yeah me either. Well I never had any girlfriends.
Seriously though. I never dated much. Boys didn’t like
me at all. They still don’t really actually. How old
were you when you lost your virginity Mulder?”
        OK this was just too much. First of all he was
completely appalled that Scully could actually think
she was unattractive to men. He didn’t think he could
refute that statement without revealing how much he
wanted her though. And as for the virginity question
that was just too damn embarrassing to even discuss.
        “I was 20. It was terrible Mulder. What a horrible
memory.”
        She was pouring more. He was starting to get a
little nervous about alcohol poisoning.She stood up
glass in hand and tried to walk over to the tree. She
could barely hold herself up. She staggered a little
bit and ended up collapsing back onto the couch.
        “Woopsie daisy. Little dizzy there. Muller did I
ever tell you about Mr. Toonses.” Mr. Toonses. No he
would have remembered that. He was relieved she’d
dropped the virginity issue.
        “I don’t think so. Who’s Mr. Toonses?”
        “He was a bunny. He was my bunny that I found in my
yard.” She grimaced and emptied her third glass. “You
know you can’t even taste this after awhile.” She went
to pour some more but he grabbed her hand.
        “Scully why don’t you slow down a little bit. You
seem a little buzzed.”
        “Buzzed? No I’m not. I’m just a little...” she
slammed her glass down in frustration startling him.
“I am Mr. Toonses. You’ve gotta stop acting like me
Mulder.” OK maybe drunk Scully was not such a great
idea after all. He had no earthly idea what she was
talking about.
        “Why don’t you tell me about Mr. Toonses and you can
drink more later if you feel like it.” She sighed and
relaxed against the cushions again.
        “Mr. Toonses was my rabbit that I found in my yard.”
        “Right. I got that part.”
        “So Bill thought Mr. Toonses was stupid. I was four
when I found him and Bill was older, like ten or
something. He kept telling me he was gonna use Mr.
Toonses to make a rabbit stew. He was always
threatening to kill Mr. Toonses cause I loved him and
he thought it was dumb.” Sounded like Bill hadn’t
gotten much past that stage yet. “So I wanted to hide
him so I put Mr. Toonses in the basement. In my
lunchbox. Under a bunch of boxes and stuff.” Mulder
was surprised to see her turn suddenly and terribly
sad. Her voice was shaking as if she were about to
cry. “I was just trying to protect him. But then he
died and I found him all rotting and maggot covered
and shit. I killed Mr. Toonses. I killed him.” She
turned to him her eyes welling with tears and grabbed
his arms. “I killed him Mulder. I killed him.” She was
almost hysterical. He’d couldn’t remember ever seeing
her like this. But she was crying. Finally she was
crying.
        He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms tightly
around her. “You didn’t kill him Scully. It was an
accident that’s all. You were just a baby.”
        She sobbed against his chest crying “I killed him”
over and over again. Well now he had even more reason
to dislike Scully’s brother. He stroked her back
soothingly and rocked her gently in his arms as she
clutched his shirt in her desperate fists. “It’s OK
Scully. Let it out. Just let it all out.” He whispered
soothing words into her ear as she weeped like a child
against him. Eventually her cries began to quiet until
finally she was silent. She didn’t move from his
embrace for a few moments though and he was glad. It
was a shame that most of his chances to hold her were
during times of trauma for one or both of them but it
felt good nonetheless. She looked up at him. Her face
was wet and puffy and her eyes were bloodshot and
dilated. She was stunning. As ever. She gave him an
embarrassed smile and moved away from him.
        “Your shirt is soaked Mulder.” Like he gave a rat’s
ass. “I’m sorry. That was stupid. It was just a
rabbit.”
        “No Scully, it was a lot more than that. And please
don’t apologize to me for showing me your feelings. I
don’t mind. I want that. I need it. Please.” He
reached out and brushed the tears from her cheek and
she graced him with a full fledged Scully grin.
        “Well you’re in for a treat then Mulder. Drunken
Scully is manic depressive insane psycho woman.”
        “I thought you weren’t drunk.” He couldn’t resist
teasing her a bit.
        “Well...maybe juss a little. I’m sorry Muller.
You’re not like me and I’m not Mr. Toonses. I dunno
why I said that.” He was still vaguely confused about
what she’d meant in the first place. Was he killing
her slowly with his overprotectiveness? Is that how he
made her feel? Or was it something else entirely. It
was difficult to follow her rapidly shifting train of
thought in this state.
        “I mean sometimes you try too hard to take care of
me and you’ve gotta know that you can’t always keep me
safe. You can’t hide me from the world ya know. I mean
from reality and stuff. But I don’t really mind that
you want to. Even though I act like I do.” She
whispered the last part as if it were a deeply held
secret. Perhaps it was. She took a swig directly from
the bottle and laughed to herself. “I’m such a joke
Mulder. I act all cool and tough and shit but ya know
what...” She leaned in close and pulled his face down
so it was level with hers. Her hands were smooshing
his cheeks together and her mouth was dangerously
close to his own.
        “What?” he managed to squeak out.
        “I’m a mess.” She shoved him back against the couch
and reached for the bottle again.
        “So you never told me when you loss your virgininity
Muller.” Loss your virgininity?! He’d have to remember
that one.
        “You really don’t wanna hear that story Scully. It’s
pretty depressing.” She made a sound somewhere between
a snort and a giggle.
        “Give me a break Muller. Like Misser Toonses wasn’t
a depressing story. It couldna be worse than that.”
She punched him lightly on the shoulder spilling some
of her drink in the process. It didn’t seem like she
even noticed. “C’mon Muller, this is what yer sposta
do when you drink. Tell sad stories or something
right? Except you’re not drinking cause you have no
fun. You’re no fun man.” She giggled again. “That’s
your new name. Nofunman.” She seemed to find this
terribly amusing. It was a bit too close to the truth
for Mulder to laugh though. “So come on Muller. Spill
it. Inquiring minds wanna know. Mmmpff” He looked over
at her. She’d taken off her jacket and shoes and her
blouse was untucked and partially unbuttoned. She was
currently in the process *Holy shit* she was currently
in the process of hiking up her long skirt and pulling
off her panty hose. She was struggling to get them off
in her seated position and was squirming and wiggling
around in an alarmingly arousing way. The last thing
he needed to be right now was turned on but dammit he
was only human.
        “Need a hand Scully?” He absolutely could not resist
that.
        “I think I can handle it mister wise guy nofunman.”
She yanked the skirt up to her hips and finally
managed to pull the hose down to her knees and then
all the way off. She stopped to take a deep breath,
exhausted by her efforts, and he had to turn away. The
skirt had almost completely disappeared from his
vision. She was more or less in a blouse and panties.
Sitting next to him. Seconds went by like hours as his
body grew more and more aware of her presence until
mercifully she decided to pull her skirt down.
        “Well, that was an adventure. So how about that
story Mullerman nofun?” Boy was she wasted. He’d never
imagined her to be such a loud obnoxious drunk. He was
beginning to worry that she’d wake her entire family.
Her brother and mother would be none too pleased to
find her bombed out of her mind with him. He had to
admit though, contrary to his new nickname, he was
having fun. He really wished she’d give up on the
virginity thing though.
        “Scully I really don’t feel like...”
        “Aw come on. What are ya chicken? You don’t wanna
tell me. How come? Don’t you trust me?”
        “Of course I..”
        “Then tell me. Who else you gonna tell buddy?
Besides, if ya tell me I’ll let you ask me whatever
you want. I’ll tell you anything.” Hmmm, that was an
appealing incentive. A thousand questions went through
his mind. Most of them terribly dirty.
        “Alright, alright if you really want to know.
But...”
        “YAY!” She started bouncing up and down excitedly
and he had to laugh. She really was manic depressive
crazy woman.
        “But you have to promise me that you’ll never
mention it again.”
        “Mention it? I prolly won’t ever remember it.” She
had a point there.
        “OK, I was thirteen and...”
         “Thirteen??? That’s kinda young don’t ya think?”
        “Hey, save the commentary missy.”
        “Sorry. I won’t make any more commentaries I
promise.”
        “Well I was thirteen and I had this um...this
baby-sitter and...”
        She let out a bloodcurdling shriek. “The
baby-sitter? You fucked the baby-sitter?” She was
cackling like a crazy woman.
        “Well I..”
        “You fucked the baby-sitter! Muller fucked the
baby-sitter Muller fucked the baby-sitter Muller
fu...”
        “Alright that’s enough of that story.”
        “Heeeheee sorry. Muller fucked the baby-sitter. You
gotta admit it’s funny. What a little stud.”
        “Yeah well it was the only sex I got until I was
about twenty-two so I wouldn’t really say that.
Actually she kind of took advantage of me.” She was
laughing so hard she was actually crying. “I’m serious
Scully. She did. I was just a kid and she was a grown
woman. Anyway my dad found out and...dammit Scully
stop laughing.” Drunk Scully was starting to piss him
off.
        She looked at him and seemed to realize he was
completely serious and getting a bit upset. She
stopped laughing and took his face in her hands. “Oh
Muller. I’m sorry Muller. Really. I wanna hear the
story. I didna mean to laugh.” She looked truly
horrified to think she’d hurt his feelings. She looked
so sweet and tender and childlike all the sudden that
he had no choice but to forgive her.
        “Well there’s not much more to tell Scully. My dad
beat the crap out of me, the baby-sitter got fired and
I didn’t get laid again until I was in graduate
school.”
        “Oh Muller.” She stroked his cheeks gently and he
saw more sadness in her eyes than he’d actually felt
telling the story. “That is depressing. I’m sorry. I’m
sorry I laughed. It’s really not funny.”
        “No Scully. It actually is kind of funny.” She
looked like she was about to cry again. He absolutely
did not want her to cry for him. Only for herself
tonight. He managed a pained smile and took her hands
in his. “Really Scully. It is funny. It’s a ridiculous
story. Don’t worry about it OK.”
        “You were kind of old to have a baby-sitter weren’t
you?”
        “Um kind of yeah. My parents got kind of psycho
about leaving me alone after Sam disappeared.” God
this was not the direction he wanted the conversation
to be heading at all. He didn’t want to be the one
receiving comfort. For once he wanted to be able to
give it. “Can we just drop this topic Scully?
Seriously. Don’t worry about it.”
        She smiled weakly back and nodded. “OK. I won’t
worry about it ever again. I promise.” They sat facing
each other and holding hands for a beautiful silent
moment.
        “So whatcha gonna ask me?” Somehow “Do you scream
when you come?” and “What are all your erogenous
zones?” didn’t seem like appropriate questions
anymore. Upon reflection he realized those were things
he hoped to find out on his own some day anyway. He’d
have to think of something else. Something he really
wanted to know but would be afraid to ask if she were
sober. Something that wouldn’t make her sad. Something
that might even make her laugh.
        “You know I have this old x-file about these people
who underwent hypnosis to get in touch with their
deepest wishes. They were given visions of what their
perfect life would be and they all spontaneously
combusted.”
        She yanked her hands from his and gave his chest a
shove. “Get outta here Muller. You’re nuts.”
        “I’m serious Scully. It’s a documented case.”
        “So’s there a question buried in that idiotic
statement?”
        “Kind of yeah. What kind of life would you have if
you could have anything at all. I mean what would you
wish for in your perfect world? And would you actually
want to have it or do you think it would be too much?”
        “You mean do I think I’d spontaneously combust if I
suddenly got everything I wanted? And thas’ two
questions mister.”
        “OK well just answer the first one then.” He was
amazed that he had no idea what she would say. He’d
spent the past five years of his life with this woman,
been closer to her than anyone he’d ever known, and he
had no real idea what she truly wanted out of life.
What she wanted for herself, from herself. She was
always so busy ministering to the needs of others that
her own needs were not only unmet but completely
unacknowledged. She looked perplexed by the question.
Perhaps it was too much to think about in her drunken
state. Or perhaps she was shocked that he’d even ask
such a thing.
        “Well, I’ll tell ya somethin Mullerman, I kinda like
my life the way it is. I mean I’d change a few things
obviously but you know things are pretty good.” Pretty
good?! He didn’t want to upset her by bringing up
unpleasant facts but her life was not at all pretty
good.
        “Well, what things would you change Scully?”
        “Um, well, I’d change myself a little. I’d like to
be able to um...ya know, be closer to people. I’d like
to be closer to my family and to you and you know,
whoever.” He felt his heart leap and wondered just how
much closer she’d like to get. “I’d like ta be able to
ask people for help, like ya know, when I really
actually need it...”
        “What? You need help sometimes Scully? I thought you
were always just fine.”
        “Shaddup mister. No teasing about personality
defects. Issa new rule that I jus’ made up right now.”
He chuckled and agreed.
        “Anyhow, I’d like it if everyone could all get along
ya know. Like if nobody would fight anymore. An I’d
like to have no more evil people killing people I love
an I’d really like to have bigger breasts. And maybe
be a few inches taller. An I’d like to be able to have
babies.” Shit. He was a total idiot. Why had he
thought this would be a happy topic? “Maybe if I had
babies my breasts would get bigger. Whaddaya think
Mullr?” It seemed the more inebriated she became, the
fewer letters were in his name. “Do ya think that’d
happen?”
        “Uh...I dunno Scully. I guess so yeah. But um..” How
to say this without sounding like a total pig...”I
think your breasts are um...they’re fine Scully.
Really just fine.”
        “Fine? Fine! That’s not much of a ...thas’ not much
of anything. Fine is nothing. Breasts aren’t fine.
They’re either big and beautiful or small and perky or
round and sensual or I dunno Mullr...FINE???”
        God talking about his virginity had been easier than
this. “OK Scully. They’re beautiful. OK? You’re
breasts are beautiful. They’re round and full and
absolutely perfect.” Steady there Mulder. Too much
information. She seemed satisfied though.
        “Thank you.”
        “You’re welcome.”
        “So are yours.”
        “Thank y...”
        “Gotcha.” He laughed and shook his head. “So ya know
what Mullr? I was thinkin’ bout babies an’ stuff an’ I
realized somethin’. If I was gonna have babies, like
for real with sex and all, I’d want them to be your
babies.” For a moment he felt as though he was
plunging into a deep, dark hole. Reality ceased to be
and he was in some kind of nether world between before
he’d heard that and after. When he came through on the
other side he felt like a completely different person.
He felt as though he should say something, anything,
but his voice was completely gone, perhaps left behind
in the nether world. But it didn’t matter because she
continued. “They’d be really cool babies ya know.
They’d be so smart and cool and like really
um...unique ya know. An they’d be so cute. Like a lil’
version of us or something. Bad noses though. We’ve
got some serious nose issues. But seriously though.
You’d be like the best daddy in the world. You’d spoil
them so bad an’ you’d be so sweet to them an’ me.
You’d take such good care of them Mullr. Oh well.
Guess that’s not gonna happen. Least for me. But
you’ll have em one day Mullr. With someone. I’m sure
of that. Oh shit. I’ve gotta pee.” She stood on shaky
legs and stumbled her way out of the room leaving him
wide eyed and open mouthed on the couch.
 
His babies. She wanted her babies to be his babies.
She wanted the same thing he’d been mourning the loss
of all night. And she’d actually said it, verbalized
his dreams and told him they were hers as well. And
she’d blurted it out in such a nonchalant way, he
almost couldn’t believe it was what she’d actually
said. But it was. He’d heard her. And for a moment he
felt such overwhelming joy he was afraid he’d burst.
The he remembered. It was just a dream. That was all
it ever could be for the two of them. And he
remembered that she was still drunk. And upset. She
wasn’t in her normal state of mind so he had no way of
knowing if this was really what she wanted for the two
of them. He did know one thing though. If it was what
she wanted, he was going to do everything in his power
to make it happen. One way or another. There were
still things they didn’t know, answers to be found.
Her cancer had been cured, perhaps this could be as
well. How could she even think he’d want children with
another woman. It made him terribly sad that she would
think such a thing. He would have to tell her it
wasn’t true.
        She came back to the living room and collapsed
beside him again. “Scully I....”
        “Mullr I’m sleepy. Don’t wanna talk anymore.”
        “Oh, um OK. Do you want me to go back to the hotel
and let you get to bed?” *Please say no. Please say
no.*
        She turned to him shyly and shook her head. “I don’t
want that Mullr. I wan’ you ta stay an’...juss stay
here with me on the couch ‘K? I juss...I kinda want to
be held Mullr. Do ya think you could do that?” Could
he? He couldn’t think of a single thing in the world
he’d rather be doing.
        “Yes Scully. I’d really, really like to do that
actually.”
        “I juss...I really need this. I feel so...so alone.
So empty.” He reached over and pulled her to him.
        “You’re not Scully. You’re not alone. I’m here.
You’re with me.” How desperately he wanted that to be
enough. She shifted to a reclined position bringing
him with her so that they were lying together on the
couch, facing each other, holding each other. She
buried her face in the crook of his neck and wrapped
her arms around his waist.
        “I know Muller. I know. I need to feel it though. I
need to feel you.” She squeezed him tighter and moved
even closer to him.
        He kissed her lightly on the forehead. “I’m right
here.” She shifted against him. His body responded
immediately without his consent. Dammit. There was no
way she could miss it being pressed against him like
that. He just prayed she was too drunk to notice or
care. He supposed she probably wouldn’t be offended
but it was a totally inappropriate response under the
circumstances.
        “Hey Muller.” He felt her breath against his neck as
she spoke. Her lips were less than an inch from his
skin.
        “Yeah Scully?”
        “This is nice.” He ran his hand slowly through her
hair. It was soft. And messy. Nice was an
understatement. Nice didn’t even begin to describe it.
        “Yeah. It is Scully.”
        “Hey Muller, do ya ever think about what things you
wanna do before you’re dead?”
        God not more death conversations. Scully’s obsession
with the topic was understandable but frightening to
him. “I’d like to try Thai food.”
        “Thai food? You’re such a weenie M’lr. I’m serious,
I wrote a list ya know.” A list. She’d written a list
of things to do before she died. He didn’t think he
could have this conversation. “Wanna know whas’ on
it?” He did. God help him he did. She pulled away from
him a little so she could look at his face. She moved
up a bit and their lips were almost even. And so
close. He could practically taste the liquor she’d
been guzzling all night. “Huh? You wanna know? You
wanna know what the first thing is?” Her voice had
changed. She was practically whispering. And the way
she was looking at him. God she was driving him crazy.
        “Yeah, sure Scully.” He sounded raw even to his own
ears.
        “To kiss you. To really, really kiss you. That’s the
first thing I thought of.” Fear. Blinding,
overwhelming fear. And bliss. And arousal. And fear.
And a million other things he couldn’t think about or
bother to sort through. And then her lips, her sweet,
soft lips on his for a brief tentative moment. She
pulled back and searched his face for a reaction. She
must have seen a look that reflected the desperate
desire he was feeling, must have felt the way his
entire body had surged towards her in response to her
featherlight kiss, because she leaned in  and kissed
him again with a greater degree of certainty. Still
gentle and exploring for a moment then suddenly, as
soon as he began to kiss her back, with hunger and
urgency. He felt her tongue against his lips, seeking
entry, and waved good bye to the last of his
resistance. Their tongues met in a fevered dance and
he had the overwhelming sense that he was drowning in
her. He pressed his body against her pinning her to
the back of the couch. She wrapped her leg over his
hip and thrust against his now thoroughly rigid cock.
He tore his mouth from hers reluctantly and began
kissing her face, her neck, her ears.
        “Mmmm Mulr. Thass’ nice.” Mulr...God she was drunk.
He’d forgotten for an ecstatic moment. She was drunk
and depressed and vulnerable and he was supposed to be
taking care of her not taking advantage of her.
        “Scully I...” She reached between them and stroked
his straining erection and his words were lost to a
feral cry. This had to stop. It had to stop right now.
He grabbed her hand and pulled it away from where he
really wanted it to bring it to his mouth. He kissed
her fingers lightly and shook his head. “Not like this
Scully.”
        “Like what? Whass’ wrong?” She looked so hurt. It
was positively killing him. But better now than later.
        “Scully you’re um...you’re not really yourself right
now. I mean you drank almost an entire bottle of
Jaegermeister and you’ve just been through a really
hard time and...” She ground her hips against him
again and started kissing and licking his neck.
“Scully no, please, I can’t. I..we...this is...God
Scully please stop.” She was wearing him down. He
didn’t know how much longer he could last like this.
        “I don’t unerstan’ this Muller. I though you’d wan’
this. Don’t you wan’ me?” She looked like she was
about to cry again.
        “Oh Scully I do. I do so much.” He took her face in
his hands and forced her to look at him, to see the
truth in his words. “I want this more than anything. I
just can’t be sure you do. And I need to be sure. I
need to know that you’re doing this with absolute
certainty. And I can’t know that if you’re drunk
Scully. And I can’t take advantage of you this way. It
would just be completely wrong.”
        She shook her head and looked at him with utter
confusion and sadness. “How can it be wrong? I need
this. We both need this. Why’re you doin’ this now? I
thought you wanted to help me. It’s not wrong. It’s
what I want. Thas’ not wrong is it?” She seemed to
have no comprehension of why he felt the way he did.
In her alcohol muddled brain she must have seen it as
some kind of rejection. It was absolutely killing him.
        “Scully it’s what you want right now. What about
tomorrow? And the next day? I can’t know that you
wouldn’t regret this and I can’t do this if there’s a
chance you might regret it. And I sure as hell can’t
do it here in your brother’s living room. But Scully
if you decide when you’re sober and you’ve had a
little time to think it through, if you still want
this, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.”
        She sighed, exasperated. “Oh Muller. Why you gotta
be so good all the time? Thass’ why you never have any
fun.”
        “I’m not good. I’m just terrified of losing you.”
        “You couldna lose me if you tried you dork.” She
kissed his lips again, briefly, tantalizingly, before
disentangling herself from his limbs and standing up.
        “Scully you don’t have to...”
        “I’m gonna go to bed nofunman. I can’t just lay here
with you all night an’ not get any action.” Dammit. He
didn’t want her to leave. All he’d wanted to do in the
first place was hold her all night. Try to make her
feel safe. Why couldn’t she just let him comfort her
for once.
        He stood up and grabbed her hand. “Wait Scully,
don’t go yet. Can’t we...”
        “No Muller. We can’t. I’m sorry. I’ve gotta go away
now.” She pulled her hand but he wouldn’t let go.
        “Scully why can’t we just hold each other? I just
want to hold you.”
        “You wanna know why? You really wanna know. You
really can’t figure it out? Some Oxford psychowhatever
you are. You don’t know anything.” She’d turned on him
suddenly. Her voice was raised, almost to the point of
shouting. She looked angry. And very hurt. But he
still didn’t understand. Why couldn’t it be enough?
Why couldn’t he ever be enough?
        “Yes Scully. I want to know why. Please explain it
to me. I thought that’s what you wanted in the first
place.”
        “Well Mul’r it was in the first place. But this is
the second place okay. This is after laying next to
you and feeling your...your” she waved her free hand
in the air, searching for the right word “your damn
dick pressing into me. Before I kissed you. Before I
realized that what I really need is to feel you inside
me. To feel you make me whole. To fill in the fucking
empty space that I can’t forget about.” She was crying
again now. Crying and shouting and it was because of
him this time. He’d messed it up again. But he still
didn’t quite get it. It was enough for him right now,
even though he wanted more. Why couldn’t it be enough
for her?
        “But Scully, why...”
  “Cause I’m too fucking horny OK! All I wanna do is
rip your clothes off and fuck you OK! Cause thas’ all
I ever wanna do an’ if you won’t let me then I’m juss’
gonna go to bed alone like I always do and not be
teased like this all night.” She pulled her hand from
his violently and stormed away. And then she was gone.
Completely gone and he was standing there like an
idiot in Bill Scully’s living room wondering what
torrential storm had just hit him. How had he managed
to fuck things up so completely in such a short matter
of time? It usually took at least a day’s work to
create such a disaster in his life

        He sat back down on the couch and ran through his
options in his mind. He could go after her. But what
could he say? He absolutely refused to make love to
her in the state she was in and that seemed to be the
only thing that would make her happy. Such a cruel
irony that the one thing he wanted out of this damn
life, the one thing she seemed to want at the moment,
was the one thing he couldn’t do. She seemed to want
him so much. But he knew it had to be an effect of her
drinking. Scully was “so fucking horny”? She wanted to
fuck him all the time? That just wasn’t right. It had
to be the alcohol. She couldn’t possibly feel this way
normally. Though he had to admit, the slim possibility
that she did filled him with a staggering amount of
satisfaction. He could go back to the hotel and pray
she’d forget about the entire thing. That didn’t seem
right either. In fact it seemed completely wrong. No
he couldn’t just leave it like that. He had to go
after her. It was the only way. He’d think of the
right thing when he saw her. He stood up and began
walking towards the stairs. And ran right into Bill
Scully.
        The taller man fixed him with an icy glare and stood
solidly in front of the stairs. “What’s going on? I
heard someone yelling. It sounded like Dana.”
        “She’s a little upset. Um, if you don’t mind I’d
kind of like to go up after her. We weren’t exactly
through talking.” He made a move to go up the stairs
and Bill held out his arm, blocking him.
        “What are you still doing here any way Mister
Mulder? I thought you had a place to stay.” This was
not looking good. Mulder was getting close to the edge
with this guy. One push and he wasn’t sure what would
happen.
        “Well, I was talking to your sister. She needed to
talk for a bit. Look I really need to go up and see
her for a few minutes.”
        “Talking huh? Sounded to me like whatever you were
talking about had her pretty upset.” God had he heard
the things she’d been saying to him? He could only
hope he hadn’t. “She’s had a rough day. I think you
should just leave her alone. You’re obviously not
helping.”
        “Look um..I know she’s your sister but this really
isn’t any of your business. If you’d just let me...”
        “Like hell it isn’t my business. This is my house
and I will not have you wandering around here like you
own the place and tormenting my sister.” He didn’t
want to shove him. He really, really didn’t. But it
was the only way he was going to get past him and be
able to reach Scully. No he couldn’t do that. This was
not his house and it wasn’t his place. He decided to
make one last effort at reason.
        “Bill you’re right OK. I’m the one who upset her and
now I’ve got to make it right. Just let me pass all
right.”
        “Get out of my house.” Well if it had to be it had
to be. He needed to get to Scully. He pushed her
brother to the side, not violently, but not exactly
with kindness either. And Bill pushed back. Violently.
And Mulder pushed back again, even more violently. And
then he saw her. His angel. At the top of the stairs.
She was coming down. She looked confused and
frightened and she was coming down to see what was
happening and try to stop it and then he saw Bill’s
fist raising. The next few seconds passed in a blur.
He knew Bill had been intending to hit him. But by
some chance of fate Scully had at that exact moment
come between them and directly in the path of his
blow. And he saw blood. Lots of blood. Scully’s blood.
It was as effective as waving a red flag in front of a
bull. She staggered a little and then fell to the
floor. Mulder ran to her side.
        “Scully, God Scully are you all right?” Her face was
covered by her hands. He pulled them away and all he
saw was more blood. And her eyes. Devastated,
frightened eyes. She nodded weakly in response. Bill
moved to his sister and reached out his hand.
        “Dana, I’m so sorry. Are you...”
        The sight of the man filled Mulder with an
unbearable amount of rage and loathing. He’d hit her.
He’d hit Scully. His own sister. His own little
sister. Scully. He’d hit Scully and she was bleeding.
The fact that it was an accident did not register in
Mulder’s head. He grabbed the larger man by the front
of his pajama top and slammed him against the wall.
        “You stay the fuck away from her do you hear me?”
        Bill grabbed his arms trying to force them off of
him. “Let go of me you goddamn lunatic!”
        Mulder punched him once, hard, in the chest area.
There was the terrible sound of breaking bones but
Mulder barely heard it. He grabbed Bill by the throat
and pinned him to the wall.
  Bill tried to fight back as Mulder began choking him
with one hand and punching his face repeatedly with
the other but it was no use. Mulder was running on
pure adrenaline. All he could see in his mind was
Scully’s blood. And her eyes. Over and over he hit
him and soon there was blood everywhere and Bill was
coughing and gasping and somewhere in the back of his
fury clouded mind Mulder realized he was killing the
man but he didn’t care. Something in him still knew
that this was Scully’s brother. That he shouldn’t be
doing it. That it was wrong and that it was going to
upset Scully. But he’d hit her. He’d drawn blood. And
Mulder had made a vow that the next person to hurt
Scully was going to die at his hands. And it didn’t
matter who that person was.
        Then he heard her. Scully. She was crying.
Screaming. Begging him to stop. And other women. There
were other women’s voices doing the same thing. And
finally something clicked. Sudden consciousness dawned
on him and he let go of Bill and backed away from him,
horrified beyond belief at what he’d done. Bill
collapsed into a bloody heap on the floor and Scully
ran to him to check his pulse.
        They were all there. Scully. Her mother. Bill’s
wife. God they’d all seen what he’d done. What had he
done? He looked at Scully imploringly. She turned to
her mother and said “Call an ambulance.” An ambulance.
He wasn’t dead then. But damaged. Definitely damaged.
Tara ran to her husband’s side and Mrs.Scully to the
phone. Mulder stood, completely paralyzed, near the
door. Scully approached him slowly, fearfully. God she
was afraid. There was still blood coming from her
nose, covering her face.
        “Mulder are you all right?” He knew she wasn’t
asking if he was hurt. She was talking about his
emotional state. She was asking if he was going to
crack again. He nodded mutely.
        “Mulder I think you should go. I’m all right and
Bill’s going to be too but I really don’t think you
should be here anymore.” Strange how the incident had
rendered her suddenly sober. He supposed trauma and
shock could do that to a person. Trauma and shock
because of him. Because of what he’d done. The person
he’d become in front of her eyes. And now she wanted
him to leave. And why shouldn’t she?
        “Scully. I’m so...sorry Scully. I’m so sorry.”
        “I know you are Mulder. I’ll see you tomorrow OK.”
        “I feel like I should go to the hospital with you. I
can’t just...”
        “Mulder he’s going to be fine. So am I. You can’t do
anything here.” He knew she was right. All he could
possibly accomplish by staying there was winning even
further animosity from Scully’s entire family. He had
to leave.
        “Get him the hell out of here!” It was Tara.
Shouting at Scully. What had he done?
        “Mulder...”
        “I know.” He reached out to stroke her face once
more before leaving the house, most likely for the
last time.

Scully woke up with the worst headache she could
remember having since her cancer had gone into
remission. She was dizzy and her throat was dry and
scratchy. She was nauseous and dehydrated. And for a
moment she had no idea why. Was she still sick?
Chemotherapy? Then she remembered. Jaegermeister. Lots
and lots of Jaegermeister. And her brother’s fist in
her face. Yes it all made sense.
         She sat up in the bed. It was still dark out. She
checked her watch. 3:45. How could it still be so
early? How could this horrible night still be going
on. She couldn’t remember precise details of how she’d
ended up back at her brother’s house. The whole trip
to and from the emergency room was a blur. As was much
of what had come before it.
        She remembered the fight with alarming clarity
though. She’d never seen Mulder lose it like that. She
knew it had happened before. He’d almost killed Duane
Barry from what she had heard. And she supposed there
had been other times. But she’d never seen it. It had
been terrifying. But strangely and horrifyingly
exhilarating. It was her brother and she knew she
should be very angry at him for what he’d done but
with guilt she had to admit to herself that she’d
actually been a tiny bit thrilled to see him defending
her so passionately. Of course it had been an
accident. Bill hadn’t meant to hurt her. And Mulder
must have realized that but for some reason the sight
of Bill hitting her had sent Mulder into a frenzy
completely beyond reason and rational thought. And she
liked that. It scared her but she liked it. God help
her.
        No he hadn’t meant to hurt her but he had meant to
hurt Mulder. He’d been about to strike him. Why? What
had they been fighting about? She had no idea. Either
way she couldn’t imagine what Mulder must be feeling
about the whole thing. He’d looked so distraught once
he’d realized what he had done. He must feel so
terribly guilty. And probably assumed that she was mad
at him. She’d have to talk to him as soon as possible.
And then she remembered. He probably thought she was
mad at him even before the fight. She had been mad at
him. It all came back to her vividly. She put the
pieces of the night together in her head and was
absolutely aghast. She’d been horrible. Completely and
totally horrible.
        Not only had she dumped the weight of her sorrow on
Mulder’s shoulders and made a complete ass of herself
telling that stupid bunny story and sobbing like a
baby, she’d thrown herself at him like some kind of
drunken slut. And then been furious at him for turning
her down. For not taking advantage of her. What the
hell kind of a basket case was she?
        Why had she gotten drunk? Why had she gotten drunk
with Mulder? It was something she’d promised herself
she’d never do a long time ago. There was just too
much potential for humiliation there. She was
generally a very repressed person emotionally. Things
built up inside her until they reached the breaking
point. And it had to come out somewhere. It usually
happened when she was drunk. Worst of all, he’d been
sober. She couldn’t even hope that he wouldn’t
remember what had happened. His damn photographic
memory to top it all off. God, she’d told him she
wanted to have his babies. She’d told him she wanted
to tear his clothes off and fuck him all the time! And
that was something she’d have to live with for the
rest of her life. She felt herself blushing even now,
alone in the darkness, just thinking about it. How
could she ever face him again? All he’d done was try
to comfort her, to make her feel a little better about
what had happened with Emily, and she’d turned into a
complete psycho on him. Not even letting him hold her
when it was so obvious that was what they both needed.
        God poor Mulder. She knew he must be thinking she
was a pathetic sex-starved bitch but she was sure he
still cared about her. He must be hurting so much. He
must be thinking it was his fault. That he’d screwed
things up somehow. That was always what Mulder thought
when something went wrong. Sometimes he was right. But
not this time. This time it had been completely and
totally her fault. And she knew she had to apologize.
To make it up to him somehow.
        Of course, he had said that he would be there for
her in that way if she still wanted it when she was
sober. Had he said that to make her feel better or did
he really mean it? She was sober now. And she still
wanted it. In a fearful moment of total honesty she
realized she wanted him more than ever after seeing
his furious defense of her. So much passion. She
couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to have all
that passion focused on her. On making love to her. It
sickened her to a certain degree to think that seeing
the violent side of the man she loved actually turned
her on. But she couldn’t shake it.
        She needed to go to him. Right away. He needed to
know that Bill was OK. That she was OK. That they were
OK. He needed to know that she was sorry and that she
wasn’t angry and that none of what had happened
tonight had been his fault. And she needed to know how
he really felt. The cat was out of the bag now. There
was no use denying her feelings any longer. And she
had to know if he felt the same or if she’d just
wrecked the one somewhat stable relationship in her
life. As embarrassing and terrifying as it might be
she had to face him eventually. And prolonging it was
only going to make it worse.
        She mustered up her remaining strength and dragged
herself out of bed. She threw on a pair of jeans and
her favorite white T-shirt. Then she brushed her teeth
to get rid of the horrible taste of stale alcohol and
the vomit she’d expelled between her episode with
Mulder and his fight with Bill. Then she swallowed her
pride and her dignity and got in her rental car to
drive to Mulder’s hotel.

        She stood outside his door for what seemed like an
eternity. She could see the light seeping through the
bottom of the door. He was awake. Had she expected any
different? It wasn’t too late. She could turn around
and go back to Bill’s. She could pretend none of it
had ever happened. Maybe this was all a big mistake.
She turned around several times, intending to go back
to the car, but something stopped her each time. She
couldn’t just leave it like this. If nothing else she
had to let him know that Bill wasn’t dead or
critically injured. After about 10 minutes of
deliberations she took a leap and knocked timidly on
the door.
        “It’s open.” She moved her hand to open the door and
realized she was shaking. How was she going to do
this? Then she got a look at him and realized she had
no choice. She’d made the right decision. He was
sitting at the foot of the bed staring blankly at the
wall. He looked so lost. So full of sorrow. So damn
sexy. He was wearing a pair of old gray sweatpants
with a hole in the knee and a Georgetown T-shirt with
the sleeves ripped off. Total slob wear. Totally
gorgeous. He looked up at her with an expression of
fear but a certain acceptance. He knew, or thought he
knew, what was coming.
        “Scully. How’s Bill?”
        “Two fractured ribs and a broken nose.” He let out a
deep breath and looked down at his feet.
        “I’m so sorry Scully.”
        “I know you are Mulder. It’s all right. He’s gonna
be fine. And I managed to talk him out of pressing
assault charges.”
        He stood up and walked to the window. “Why did you
do that Scully. He should press charges. I did assault
him.”
        “Yes, yes I suppose you did but I think he has some
vague understanding about why you did it and he knows
we’re leaving tomorrow and he won’t have to deal with
you anymore so...”
        “How does he feel about you working with me now?”
        “He was never happy with it to begin with Mulder. He
thinks you’re a lunatic.”
        “Yeah well, seems like he’s right about one thing at
least.”
        She walked tentatively towards him and reached out
to touch his shoulder. “No Mulder. He’s not. You’re
not a lunatic. You’re just um...highly emotional.” He
turned around and smiled at her.
        “That’s a very kind way of saying crazy Scully.” He
flinched a little. “Scully, you’re mom, she must hate
me. She’ll never forgive me for this.”
        She took a deep breath and dared to meet his eyes.
“Mulder, I didn’t really come here to talk about Bill
or my mother. I don’t really care what they think
about you and I understand why you um...why you did
what you did.”
        “You do Scully? Really?”
        “Yes. I do Mulder. I know you were trying to protect
me. I also know you wouldn’t have reacted as strongly
if Bill had hit you, which incidentally he was about
to do. In fact if I hadn’t been there you probably
would have let him kick your ass just to avoid hurting
me.”
        “So why did you come Scully? You could have just
called. Scully did you drive here? You’ve had a lot to
drink tonight.”
        “I did drive here because um...I’m sober now Mulder.
I threw up before and that got rid of a lot of it. And
I slept for a bit when we got back from the hospital.
I’m not drunk anymore.” She looked at him in what she
hoped was a somewhat suggestive way. Maybe she
wouldn’t have to say anything. Maybe he’d just get it
and just...just take her already.
        “Oh. Well that’s good. I’d hate to think you were
driving drunk.” OK this was not looking good. He was
clueless as ever. And he seemed a bit uncomfortable as
well. She was going to have to just come right out and
say it. Hopefully she wouldn’t be driven to the
pathetic frenzy she’d been in before.
        “Mulder I came to let you know that I’m not angry
with you. For anything that happened tonight. You were
completely right.” She sat down on the bed. “What
happened before...I was wrong. I mean I really
appreciate what you did.”
        “That’s uh...that’s good. I’m glad you feel that way
Scully.” But he didn’t seem glad. He still seemed very
sad.
        “You really were very...decent. And um...very
gentlemanly. And um...” where the hell was she going
with this. She suddenly realized just how nervous she
was. She was fidgeting with the blanket underneath her
and groping desperately for the right words to say.
The proper way to explain it to him. “Mulder I just
wanted to thank you.”
        He smiled with absolutely no happiness. “That’s OK
Scully. You know I wouldn’t be able to live with
myself if I took advantage of you.”
        “Right. Well, I mean you did the right thing. I
was...I was awful Mulder. I’m really very sorry.”
        “You don’t have to apologize Scully. I understand.
You were drunk. You didn’t know what you were doing.
It’s..That kind of thing happens all the time. People
get drunk and they do things...say things they’d never
even think of when they’re sober.” He didn’t realize.
He didn’t see it. She could just leave right now and
that would be the end of it.
        “Right well um, I guess I’ll go then. I just wanted
you to know everything was all right.” She stood and
moved to the door. He followed behind her and opened
it for her.
        “We still leaving tomorrow Scully?”
        “Um, yeah. I’ll come by and pick you up at 9:30.”
        “OK. Night Scully.”
        “Night.” No. No. It couldn’t be this way. This was
the coward’s way out. She hadn’t come here to be a big
chicken shit. She turned back to him and slammed the
door shut behind her.
        “This is wrong Mulder. This is too easy. It’s not
that simple.” God give me courage. Please.
        “What do you mean too easy? You are angry about Bill
aren’t you? You don’t have to protect me from that
Scully. I...”
        “No. No no no. It’s not that at all. This has
nothing to do with Bill. It’s about...it’s about me
Mulder.”
        “Oh.” He looked disappointed. He seemed to have been
looking forward to her chastisement over the incident.
She almost wished that had been what she’d come here
for. It would be so much easier than this.
        “You’re kind of right Mulder. I mean about being
drunk and all. Sometimes it does make you do and say
things you ordinarily wouldn’t. And it intensifies
emotions. But Mulder...” God this was it. She was
walking over the edge here. No turning back. “Mulder
it doesn’t bring things out that aren’t already there.
It doesn’t make a person feel things that don’t exist
already. It just...it just makes you more honest. It
just makes it easier to say the things you really
feel, deep down inside. And I refuse to just dismiss
this as if it had no basis in any reality. I can’t..I
won’t use alcohol as an excuse for the things I said
to you. It just wouldn’t be fair. Those things were
real. They were my feelings and I won’t hide behind
the fact that I was drunk. I may have been more, well,
more insane and I do regret not letting you hold me
Mulder because it was something we both needed but
everything else was me. It was all me and I am not
going to pretend it wasn’t. I’m just not enough of a
coward for that, although I wish I were. So that’s
um.. that’s why I really came here. I came here to
tell you that.” *Ok Dana. You’ve said it. You can stop
talking now* But for some reason she couldn’t. Some
kind of fear about his response was gripping her and
she couldn’t stop babbling like an idiot. “And so you
see it really doesn’t have anything to do with Bill or
you. Or anything else. It’s just about me and my
screwed up emotions and inability to express them. And
so it’s really not your fault you see and I still
think you did the right thing because you...” She was
cut off by his sudden movement. He grabbed her
shoulders and pinned her to the door. He looked at her
with rapt fascination and a thrilling intensity.
        “Scully. Stop. Just tell me one thing.” She found
she couldn’t speak. His arms were gripping her so
tight. His eyes were drilling a hole in her skull. She
was lost.
        “Is it me? Or is it anyone?” How could he even ask.
How could he not know that he was the only one who
could possibly fill the emptiness inside her. That his
soul was the only one that could hold hers. After all
this time. How could he not know. She felt a small
twinge of anger. Did he really think she would have
thrown herself at just anyone? Did he think she’d want
comfort from someone else? And then she remembered who
she was dealing with. Mulder could never believe
anyone would chose him for such a thing. It just
wasn’t in his realm of thinking. She was shaking
again. Trembling under his scrutiny. She needed to
tell him but her voice just was not there. She lifted
one quivering arm and pointed her finger at him,
reaching out, touching the place where his heart lay
under the fabric and skin and bone. And then that hand
was against her body, pressed between them as he
pushed his body roughly against hers. She had to crane
her neck to see his face. He leaned down and moved his
hand from her shoulder to her face. Slowly he traced
the outline of her cheek, her chin, lips, nose,
everything. He ran his fingertip over her entire face
like a blind man reading Braille.
        “You want me.” It was a statement, not a question. A
statement uttered with such disbelief and amazement.
Such revelation. She wondered if this had been the way
men had reacted when they discovered fire.
        She willed her voice to return. She only needed one
word. “Yes.”
        His fingertip traveled lower, stroking her neck,
dipping into her cleavage. “You want me.”
        “Yes. Please.” He fell to his knees before her and
wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, burying his
head in her stomach. He grabbed the fabric of her
shirt and began untucking it from her jeans. She had a
brief flash of fear and doubt. What if this was pity.
What if he felt it was his duty. Then she looked down
at the ravenous way he’d begun to devour the sensitive
skin of her stomach with his mouth and knew. It
couldn’t be pity. Pity just didn’t look like that.
        She leaned against the door for support as he
continued his assault. Licking, nipping, caressing her
whole middle with his mouth. God that mouth. His hands
reached up under her shirt and began caressing her
breasts. Her perfect breasts. She only just then
remembered that. He pinched her nipples lightly
through the silken material of her bra and she cried
out. Torture. Sweet torture. She needed to touch him.
To kiss him. She reached for his bare arms and tried
to pull him to his feet.
        “Not yet.” He moved his hands down to her belt and
unbuckled it. Then slowly he started unbuttoning her
fly. God that mouth. She had a vague idea where he was
about to put that mouth and she was almost reduced to
a puddle. Soon her jeans were completely off and
discarded to the corner of the room. All that stood
between her flesh and that mouth were a pair of sodden
cotton panties. He stroked her legs and moved his head
down to caress her inner thigh with his tongue. She
just about lost all cognitive thought. Then she felt
his nose rub against her through the cotton. He was
sniffing her. Inhaling the scent of her arousal. She
sucked in the stale air of the motel room through
clenched teeth. He was going to kill her.
        “You...want...me.”
        “God.Please.”
        He pulled the garment off her body with carnal
ferocity and then he was there. Everywhere. She
grabbed the doorknob to keep from falling down. His
tongue slipped between her folds and began stroking
her clit. Back and forth. Over and over. She felt it
everywhere. The vibrations shook her entire body. It
was like his tongue was covering every inch of her.
She was usually relatively quiet at moments like this.
She wasn’t the type to lose her shit and start
screaming and panting. But this was beyond anything
she’d ever known. This was an entirely different ball
game. It wasn’t even the same league. Or sport even.
Soon she was crying out like she never had before.
Almost without realizing it. She started grinding her
crotch into his face feverishly and gripped his head
with her free hand pulling him closer, holding him in
place so he couldn’t stop. Nothing had ever felt this
good. Nothing.
        He moaned against her and she realized why it was so
good. He liked it. He loved it. Most men didn’t and
made it seem almost like a chore. The prelude to the
good stuff. Mulder seemed to be enjoying it as an ends
to itself. And it made him damn good at it. She spread
her legs a little wider and he used the opportunity to
slip his finger inside her. He started pumping in and
out of her and she made an unearthly growling sound.
        He chuckled against her and muttered into her crotch
“You like that huh.”
        “Mmmugh yeah.” She couldn’t even get his name out.
She was beyond anything but monosyllabic words.
        “Yeah. How about this?” He stuck two more fingers
inside her and began driving into her deeper and
faster. She was almost there.
        “Oh...ummm...aghh”
        “You wanna come Scully?” God. Jesus. Did he have to
ask? If he’d just stop talking and put his mouth where
it belonged. “Huh? You wanna?” She looked down at him
for the first time since he’d started his onslaught.
He was looking up at her face. He was watching her
avidly. Studying her reactions, her response. His
sweatpants were pulled down around his knees and he
was stroking himself frantically with his free hand.
God it was beautiful. She felt like screaming. He was
so huge. So hard. So completely and totally aroused
from this. She could have come just watching him. She
felt a twinge of jealousy though, wishing it were her
hand and not his own. “I wanna make you come Scully.”
        “Yes. Yes. Yes.” And then his tongue was on her
again, flicking furiously over her clit and he had
four fingers inside her now pumping her senseless and
then she was coming. God she was finally finally
coming. She jerked violently against his face and
gripped the back of his head with both hands, crushing
him against her. And she cried. And she screamed. And
she cursed and pulled his hair violently because he
was still there and he was doing it to her again and
she couldn’t believe it was possible or even legal to
have two earth shattering orgasms in a row but there
it was and then finally she fell, completely spent, to
the floor and he was there. He was still there.
Holding her.
        He’d lifted her off the floor and was cradling her
in his lap. He was still on his knees. She felt him,
hard and ready as ever pressing against her backside.
She opened her eyes slowly and saw his face, inches
from hers. He was smiling. Smiling like she’d never
seen him smile.
        “Feeling any better horny girl?”
        “Ss..shut...uup.” They laughed together and she
pulled his face closer, capturing his lips in a
furious kiss. He tasted like her. She sucked his
tongue and savored the remnants of their connection.
She pulled his t-shirt off and stroked every hardened
plane on his chest. Then he was naked. A naked Mulder.
Aroused and hungry for her. Under her. She felt dizzy
with excitement. He moaned into her mouth and she
turned around to face him, straddling his lap,
wrapping her legs around his waist. His cock was
pressed against her and she realized she was not at
all satisfied. Not yet. She needed more.
        “Mm..mulder.” Two whole syllables. She was proud.
But there was more. “Www..ant..want you i..in meee”
Almost coherent.
        “Well Scully, that’s a lucky coincidence cause
that’s exactly where I wanna be.” He discarded with
her T-shirt and bra and kissed her deeply. She reached
between them and grabbed his sex. It was so smooth and
silky. So hard and hot. She wanted to relish the feel
of it in her hand for awhile. She started stroking
him, aggressively and quickly, the way she’d seen him
do it a moment ago. It had the desired effect. His
eyes rolled back into his head and he yelled something
that might have been an obscenity but she couldn’t be
sure. Soon his whole body was shaking and he was
panting desperately. A bit of precum appeared at the
tip and she used her free hand to wipe it up and moved
her hand to her mouth. The look on his face when she
licked the white glob from her fingertip was worth
every single alien goose chase she’d been on. He
grabbed her wrist and violently jerked her hand away
from him. “No. Can’t. Come. Yet.” He was gasping
between his words. It was good to see she was capable
of reducing him to monosyllabic grunts as well.
        She rose up on her haunches and positioned him for
entry. He looked up at her with an almost grateful
expression. He looked up at her. For once. It felt
good. Then she slid, slowly, painstakingly, inch by
inch down his sex. It was a good thing he’d gotten her
off so damn much because if he hadn’t it would have
hurt. She was small and he was colossal but she was so
wet and open that it felt perfect. He filled her. He
completed her. He was her. She started moving,
languidly riding up and down on his cock. He wrapped
his arms around her waist and laved her upper body
with kisses.
        “SSScullyyyy...m..mmore.” She moved faster, took him
deeper, held his face in her hands. It felt wonderful
but they both needed still more. He grabbed her waist
and started moving her, lifting her up then slamming
her back down onto him. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
Almost enough.
        “Touch yourself.” It was an order. Gently delivered
but an order nonetheless. She was suddenly filled with
panic. She had never done that in front of another
person. She was almost embarrassed to do it by
herself.
        “Do it Scully. Please. I wanna do it myself but my
aagghh my hands are mmmmoooh. Busy.” She couldn’t
refuse him this. She couldn’t refuse him anything. She
slid her hand between them and began slowly stroking
herself. For a moment she freezed up but soon she let
herself feel it and it felt good. God it felt really
good. He looked down at her movements and let out a
savage cry at the sight.
        “Jesus Scully. Yeah.” Soon her hand fell into a
familiar pattern and she started to feel completely
comfortable with it. The combination of her own
ministrations and the feel of him inside her was
unbearably pleasurable. After a few moments she found
herself on the brink of climax yet again. “You’re so
hot Scully. God you’re so fucking hot.” She felt hot.
She was on fire. She moved her finger faster and
faster across her clit as he rammed her body up and
down like a rag doll. She felt completely and
gloriously out of control. She lost all feeling in her
hands and feet. All the blood in her body rushed to
the one place she could feel. The one place that
mattered at the moment. And then she shattered into a
million pieces. Her entire body combusted in a
deafening explosion and all she could hear was
Mulder’s voice begging her to come for him. And she
did. Over and over. And then somehow she was sitting.
She was ontop of the dresser and Mulder was between
her legs crashing into her again and again with a
strength and speed she didn’t know existed. His face
was twisted into a grimace of ecstasy more beautiful
than anything she’d ever seen. He was moaning and
muttering an almost constant stream of curses,
supplications, and nonsense words. Her body slammed
into the mirror behind her with every thrashing and
she was a little frightened because this was the
passion she’d been looking for but it was more than
she’d ever imagined possible and if it hadn’t felt so
good it would have been too much. And then he was
moving even faster, even more violently and screaming
and calling her name louder than anything she’d ever
heard and then she was gone. Floating in another
reality where bodies didn’t exist and the only thing
that mattered were two souls, hurtling together
through eternity, forever joined and finally complete.
She had a brief mental flash of Mulder’s seed shooting
through her entire body, filling in every blank space.
And then everything went black.
        She woke up wrapped in a scratchy motel blanket. And
a body. Mulder was lying behind her wrapped
protectively around her. She turned to him. He was
awake. He smiled wickedly at her.
        “Welcome back.”
        “Wha..what happened?”
        “You fainted.” She fainted. She actually fainted.
Jesus Mary and Joseph. She’d never fainted in her
life.
        “I though you were dead for a sec.”
        “I wa..I think I was. Mulder that was...”
        “I know.” He squeezed her tight and buried his face
in her hair. “I know.”
        “I think..I nee..I wa..ugh” God she was still
incapable of forming a coherent sentence. She hoped
sex with Mulder hadn’t rendered her permanently brain
damaged.
        “Shhh Scully. Just rest.” She was trembling. She
felt cold and hot and not entirely in her body. And
then she started laughing. Giggling like a crazy
person.
        “What’s so funny?”
        “We...we had sex.” She managed to get it out through
her giddy twittering. Why was she acting this way? She
felt like she’d just lost her virginity all over
again.
        “Um, ya know Scully, this isn’t exactly the response
most guys look for.”
        “Oh Mulder. You know it was...you know how it was. I
just...I guess I can’t believe we actually finally did
it.”
        “Yeah, it is pretty unbelievable. So was it all you
hoped for horny girl?” Well it was good to know he
could still be an irritating son of a bitch.
        “You know it was even more Mulder. Now stop calling
me that.”
        “How come? I like it. It’s your new nickname. You
can be horny girl and I’ll be nofunman.” God had she
actually called him that? Yes, she remembered it now.
        “I’m sorry Mulder. You’re not nofunman. Not any more
at least. We’ll have to think of something different.”
        “Any ideas?”
        “How about orgasmman.”
        “Hmmm I like the sound of that.”
        “Seriously Mulder. I don’t think I’ve ever had so
many orgasms in my life. I mean total. Not just in one
sitting. That last one. I don’t even know what that
was. It wasn’t even an orgasm. I think it was an
X-file.” He laughed in her ear and the sound sent a
vibration through her body.
        “Maybe we should investigate further agent Scully.”
He started kissing her neck and caressing her stomach
with his hands.
        “God Mulder what time is it? We have to catch a
plane soon and I’ve gotta go back to Bill’s to get my
stuff.”
        “Relax. We’ve got plenty of time. The sun’s not even
up yet.” She felt completely strange. Like she was
coming down off some kind of drug induced stupor. She
couldn’t stop shaking and she felt scattered, like
pieces of her were still flying around the room.
        “What was that Mulder, really? It kind of scared
me.”
        “Honestly Scully?”
        “Of course.”
        “I think it was an out of body experience. I think
that when we came together our souls, or whatever it
is that’s inside us, left our physical bodies and met
on another plane of reality.” Leave it to Mulder.
        “Mulder, that’s...”
        “Is that what you felt? That’s what I felt. I still
feel a little strange myself but I have more
experience floating around in other dimensions so...”
        “Mulder you can’t be serious.”
        “Why don’t you turn over. Lay on your stomach.” She
had a strange suspicion that he was going to examine
her body for evidence of transcendental experiences
but she did as he asked anyway.
        “Why exactly am I doing this Mulder?”
        “You need some grounding. You need to get back to
Earth.” Well that was certainly true but she didn’t
see what laying on her stomach was going to do. Then
he started rubbing her shoulders and she realized. He
was going to give her a massage. She couldn’t think of
anything that would have felt better. Then his hands
changed to his mouth and she amended that. This was
even better. He slowly worked his hands over her
quivering muscles. Everywhere his hands went his mouth
followed. The nape of her neck, her shoulders, behind
her ears. He kneeled next to her and studied her
reactions. She moaned out loud when he licked a path
from the back of her neck to the middle of her
shoulder blades and he smiled. She sensed he had a
tiny bit of an ulterior motive in this “grounding
massage”. It looked like he was exploring her body,
seeking out the places she liked to be caressed,
searching for erogenous zones. If he continued much
longer he was going to hit paydirt soon. He started
working his way down from her left shoulder to her
arm, kneading it with both hands, kissing and licking
it. He lifted it and started nipping the underside of
her elbow. She started to see why he thought this
would bring her down to Earth. She was becoming
increasingly aroused all over again but she felt like
her body was coming back together. She was solidifying
under his hands. He started lavishing attention on her
hand and she thanked God that she found this man.
Noone had ever had such reverence for her body. Every
part, not just the obvious ones. He moved to her other
arm and gave it the same treatment and she sighed
contentedly. So much pleasure she almost felt guilty.
Almost.
        Once he was done with her arms he returned to her
back. Half of her body was still hidden under the
blanket and he pulled it away to reveal her lower
back. And then he stopped. Stopped moving, stopped
kissing, stopped breathing. Just stopped. She turned
her head around quizzically and then remembered. She
was marked there. Branded. She studied his expression,
trying to read his reaction. His mouth was half open
and his eyes were lit up like Christmas trees. He was
just staring at it. She was afraid. What if it brought
up painful memories? What if he still held some
resentment towards her over the whole thing? What if
he hated it and thought it ruined her body?
        “Mulder?”
        “That’s where it is huh?”
        “Umm..yeah.”
        “I saw a picture but it didn’t show where it was.
All it showed was the design and a little bit of skin.
I...I couldn’t figure out what part of your body it
was.” He let out a shaky breath. She couldn’t tell if
he was scared or aroused. Or both. “I wanted to know.
I...I thought about it all the time. It drove me
crazy. Kept me awake nights.” He’d put more thought
into it than she had apparently.
        “So, um, do you uhh, do you hate it?”
        “I love it.”
        “You...”
        “I love it. It’s mine.” Then he started massaging
her there and she groaned roughly. His fingers dug
into the flesh kneading her, rotating in slow, sensual
circles. She twitched involuntarily under him. She
grabbed the pillow and buried her face in it to keep
from crying out again.
        “Scully? Does it feel good Scully?” He was breathing
quite heavily. She nodded frantically in response.
She’d never had anyone do this to her. Noone had ever
bothered to figure out how. She hadn’t realized it was
even conceivable.
        He put his lips over the area and gave her an open
mouthed kiss and she moaned into the pillow and jerked
upwards. “God Scully. It feels really good doesn’t it.
That’s why you got it there isn’t it?” She turned to
him and noticed he was completely flushed and rock
hard again. She just nodded. “Pleasure/Pain huh? You
like that huh?” He sounded positively frenzied. She
was getting there herself. He rubbed harder and began
tracing circles over the tattoo with his tongue. Then
he started biting lightly at the skin there.
        “Mmm M..M..Mulder.”
        “I touch you there all the time Scully. Does it turn
you on when I do that? Do you get wet when I touch you
there Scully?” Her one secret from him. Finally
revealed.
        “Ohmygod. Mulder.” She started grinding her legs
together, thrusting herself at nothing.
        “Do you? Tell me.”
        “Yes. Fuck. Yes.” This couldn’t be possible. This
couldn’t be happening. He started licking her
furiously, treating her back  much the way he’d
treated her clit earlier. Except it was more. Harder
and faster and all over. And he was moaning almost
constantly. And pulverizing her flesh with his hands.
God no. Not again. It just couldn’t be for real. But
it was. She was close. She was unbelievably close. Her
body started shaking and she clutched the pillow
tight. The room was starting to spin.
        “God. Scully. Jesus, are you gonna come?”
        “I...I...ooooohmygod”
        “Holy shit.” His tongue was everywhere again. Around
and around. Up and down. Back and forth. And his
hands, God his hands. Then she felt him move. He
straddled her legs and she felt his cock, throbbing
against the back of her knee and it was just enough.
She felt an unbelievable tingling sensation over her
entire body but centered in the small of her back
which was throbbing and humming and then there were
mouths and hands covering her everywhere and every
piece of her came together and then fell completely
apart again. She shrieked into the pillow and her body
went into a series of spasms. She collapsed,
completely spent and buried her face in the pillow.
She couldn’t believe it. It was unbelievable. How
could that kind of thing be possible?
        He lay down next to her and stroked her hair gently.
“You okay?” Okay? Okay??? Jesus. She nodded as
energetically as she could and he chuckled and wrapped
his arms around her.
        “That was unbefuckinglievable Scully. You
were...that was...oh my fucking God.” The room was
still spinning. She was afraid to even move. Then she
felt him. He was turned on his side, facing her with
his head buried in the curve of her neck, his arm over
her back and his leg draped over hers. His cock was
pressing into the side of her thigh. It was moving.
Twitching and throbbing against her. He was completely
turned on. She didn’t think her body could stand
another onslaught of sensation and he seemed to
realize this because he wasn’t making a move for her.
She felt an overwhelming desire to give him something
back. To reciprocate the awe-inspiring pleasure he’d
given her. She lifted her head groggily and turned to
face him. He was shining with perspiration and an
unearthly glow.
        “So much for grounding Mulder.”
        “Oh I think this was better than grounding.” Yes.
That was certainly true.
        She turned on her side and curled up into his arms.
He squeezed her tight while his erection danced
excitedly against her stomach.
        “Um, Mulder, you seem to have a little problem
there.” God bless him he actually looked a little
embarrassed.
        “Oh, um that’s okay. I’m sure you’re tired and
stuff.” Too tired to be fucked maybe. But that’s not
all she knew how to do. She pushed him so he was
laying on his back. “Scully, really, it’s okay. You
don’t have to...”
        “Shut up Orgasmman. It’s time to give a little
back.” He gasped and shot her a look that was a
mixture of eagerness and terror. Then he closed his
eyes and relaxed. She looked over his body
appraisingly and wondered where to start. It all
looked so tempting. His face. His beautiful, beautiful
face drew her in first. She started with the eyes,
where his heart truly lay. She placed featherlight
kisses on each of his eyelids and then moved down,
stroking his cheeks, his nose, his lips with her hands
and mouth. Then down further to his neck. She licked
the salty rough skin there and felt him gulp down a
mouthful of air. Then down further, covering his chest
with kisses and caresses. His skin was scalding hot
and she could feel his energy pulsing just underneath
the surface. She moved to his nipples and sucked one
of them between her teeth.
        “Scully.” He choked out her name and clutched a
fistful of her hair. She bit down a little harder and
his other hand clutched the sheet beneath him. “Yes.”
Down a little more, over his entire torso as he began
to thrash under her. She ran her tongue down to his
belly button and licked up the pool of sweat that had
gathered there. He tasted like ocean water. She traced
circles around the outside of his belly button and his
whole body started to shake.
        “You want me Mulder?” Turnabout is fair play after
all. She was gonna make him pay.
        “I...ummm...scuhh...ugh.” Perfect. She licked her
way down the line from his belly to the beginning of
his pubic hair.
        “You like this Mulder?”
        “Mmmmmaahh.”
        “Tell me.”
        He clutched her hair even tighter and nodded his
head vigorously. “No tell me.”
        “Yyyyaah.” Close enough. She watched his magnificent
sex quiver with anticipation for a moment and savored
the absolute power she held. She could make or break
him depending on her next move. Of course there was no
real question. She swirled her tongue over the tip of
the engorged head and his body spasmed against her.
She wrapped her lips around him and slowly started to
take him into her mouth. She felt his hand shaking in
her hair, saw his legs trembling, watched his toes
curl into the sheet, heard him struggling to find
coherent words. She knew the feeling. Soon he was
completely inside her and she was actually amazed
she’d managed to get the whole thing down. He tasted
like them. Like their sex. She started bobbing her
head up and down at what she knew was an agonizingly
slow pace.
        Sss...scuuu...ughhh..uuummm” He was quaking
uncontrollably now. And she knew he was restraining
himself from grabbing her head and slamming it down on
him. She rewarded him for his self control by swirling
her tongue around him as she moved him in and out. She
couldn’t remember ever enjoying giving a blow job so
much. She usually thought they were quite dull but a
way to get men to stop trying to make her come. Not
this. This was sheer enjoyment and arousal and the
total joy of giving back the ecstasy she’d received.
And a little bit of control. Finally. She moved her
mouth off of him for a minute and took him in her
hand, continuing to stroke him.
        “Does this feel good Mulder? You wanna come?” She
was having way too much fun.
        “Sc..sc...sc...SCULLY.”
        “Very good Mulder. But you still didn’t answer my
question.”
        “Yyyou...you..nnnno..f.f...fffair!”
        “Oh I think it’s very fair Mulder.” She looked up at
him and actually started to get a bit aroused again.
He was sweating buckets. His eyes were screwed tightly
shut and his mouth was wide open in a grimace of
pleasure. He was even baring his teeth. Lucky her.
“So? Do you?”
        “Uuuuggh...y..y..ppplease.” Very impressive. She put
her mouth back where they both wanted it and started
moving quickly up and down. He jerked convulsively
into her. He was almost choking her but she didn’t
care. It was worth the uninhibited cries and shouts
she was hearing from him. He had her hair completely
wrapped around his fingers and was clutching her for
dear life. She wondered randomly how long it would
take her to get the knots out in the morning. His
other hand had managed to pull the sheet almost
completely off the bed. He grew impossibly large in
her mouth and she knew he was right on the edge. She
reached down and started stroking his balls with her
hand. His whole body tensed for a moment and she could
feel him throbbing in her mouth. And then she stopped.
Completely. And he screamed in agony.
        “You close Mulder? Huh? You gonna come soon?” he was
actually stamping his feet like a petulant child. His
head was rolling back and forth on the pillow and his
poor dick was bouncing up and down off his stomach.
“Mulder?”
        “YEEEEESSSSSSS!” Very nice. She took him all the way
back in and all the way back out again and again with
increasing speed, stroking his balls and sucking
lightly, licking the sides as she went. He started
pumping her mouth in rhythm with her movements and
then when she took him so deep that her mouth reached
his balls he exploded into her, screaming bloody
murder, pulling on her hair, convulsing fitfully. Cum
shot down her throat at an amazing speed in an amazing
quantity. She felt like she was drinking from a
geyser. Finally she couldn’t swallow any more and it
filled her mouth, dripped down her chin. It tasted so
good. Bitter and sweet. Just like the man it had come
from. Finally he seemed to be empty and his body
relaxed. She heard him above her, gasping for air. She
slipped his still partially erect dick from her mouth
and moved up to snuggle in next to him. He grabbed her
and held her to him in a vice like grip.
        “Everything’s. Spinning. Scary.” Yep she knew that
feeling too. She held him tight and planted soothing
kisses over his chest. After a few minutes he stopped
shaking a little and seemed to be breathing almost
regularly.
        “How you feeling?” He choked out a laugh and kissed
the top of her head.
        “You crazy bitch. You could have killed me ya know.”
        “Just trying to spread the joy Mulder.”
        “Where...how did you learn to do...that? Never mind
I don’t wanna know.”
        “I learned it from you orgasmman.”
        “Is that how I was making you feel? I can’t even
believe that. That’s just not possible.”
        “Believe it.” He basked silently in this realization
for a few moments.
        “Hey Scully. The sun’s coming up. We’ve gotta get
going soon.” Shit. Rental cars and planes and crowded
airports and a bunch of other places to keep her from
the next time they would be able to do this.
        “How am I gonna keep my hands off you the whole way
home Scully?”
        “I was just thinking the same thing. Ever think of
joining the mile high club Mulder?”
        “Not really but I don’t know if we’re gonna have a
choice.”
        He wrapped himself tightly around her and she realized
how perfectly she fit inside him. And he in her. And she
realized something else. The empty feeling she’d had for so
many months now was gone. She felt full. In her belly, her
womb, her heart, everywhere. And she understood for the
first time that she’d never really been alone at all. Being
held physically by him made her see that he’d been holding
her emotionally for years. And that this physical connection
was only the culmination of that and the beginning of a new,
even more fulfilling stage of their relationship. Mulder was
her answer, her savior, her family. And she was held. Truly
and wholly.