I WAS LOST TONIGHT (1/1)
Yvonne J Richards
Yvonne-Richards@classic.msn.com
Set during Redux II   SPOILER FOR SEASON 5
RATING - PG one B**std
CONTENT WARNING - MSR feelings
CLASSIFICATION -  Angst Vignette
THANKS TO GERRY HILL AS EVER FOR BETA READING
 
 

DISCLAIMER:  All characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the
Fox Network.  They also belong to  Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny,
without whom, they would have life, but no soul.  No copyright infringement
intended. All other characters bear no resemblance to anyone either living or
dead.  No financial gain is made from this writing.
 
 

I WAS LOST TONIGHT
by Yvonne J Richards
November 12th 1997
 
 
 

I am lost tonight.

And now, as I kneel here beside her, in her warm unknowing embrace, I draw
strength from her.  God knows, as she lies here, what strength she has to give
me?  And how selfish I am for taking what I need when her need of *her*
strength is so much greater than mine.  But still I take it.  Knowing that in
taking it I am better able and stronger to give when the time comes for her to
take from me.

But when will that be?

I feel her fingers curl around my hair as she sighs in her sleep.  What does
she dream about?  What makes up this intrinsicly beautiful lady I am honored
to call my partner?  I nestle myself further down against her warmth.  The
anguish and despair I felt earlier now begins to surface as my jaw tightens,
my mouth visibly gaping in a silent scream that bubbles up from the the very
depths of my soul.  My eyes shut tight against the intensity of it.  My chest
constricts in the pain and helplessness I feel.  The tears won't come, just a
fathomless loss and this fear of losing my grip on reality.

How could that bastard do this to me?  How could he bring her to me and then
take her away again?  My Samantha.  Was it really my Samantha?  Or was this
some other cruel trick and twist of the knife that has been wrought upon me by
my smoking friend.  The word settles on my lips with a distaste as vile as any
I can imagine.  I close my eyes, slowly shake my head.  How I want Dana to
wake and hold me and another part of me is terrified of her seeing me this
low.

Tonight I feel broken.

Broken by Scully's health and broken by a fleeting glimpse of a life that
could have been, that was, that is, that is Samantha.  Her life, another time,
another place.  A time and a place that I knew nothing of, was not a part of.
I mourn that loss as keenly as if she had been abducted by aliens.  And where
is my belief now?  She was taken but not by whom I thought.  But can I trust
CancerMan?  Can I trust anyone?

Can I trust myself?

Scully.  I trace a finger lightly down the back of her hand.   Scully you are
the only one I can trust.  I trust you with my life and more importantly my
heart.  You know me like no other.  That sounds distinctly like something you
wrote in your Journal in Allentown.  A small tear escapes the corner of my eye
and I loathe myself, again, for letting these emotions surface in me so
physically.  I swipe it away before it lands on her and wakes her.

What if this cure doesn't work?  What then?  Both of the women in my life lost
to me and both of my own making.  I lost Samantha and now I'm in danger of
losing Scully.  I don't know where I'm going.  Except in ever decreasing
circles.  Everything I seem to do goes wrong.  Everything I touch turns sour.
My darkness, my evil is matched and countered by her light, her goodness.  Her
love.  Oh I know she loves me as much as I love her.  So what holds me back?

Fear.

Paranoia.

If you don't allow yourself happiness then it can never be taken away from
you, can it?  I allowed myself a childhood and that was savagely ripped from
me by someone who talks of being Samantha's father.  I feel sick at the very
thought of it.  Could my mother have really done this?  Could he really be
*my* father?  Have I been living a lie from the womb?  Was I just engineered
for some project, groomed to uncover this?  Were the traits and strengths They
saw in me channelled for their own ends, my weaknesses played out time and
time again?

I curl my fingers around Scully's small hand.  Listen to her soft breath,
watch the rise and fall of her breathing.  They know she is my one weakness.
Apart from Samantha, who kept me going, she is the one thing that keeps me
together.  Without her.  I swallow and bite my lip.  I can't go on without
her.  They can give and take with Samantha, she has taken on the heavy mantle
of the Truth, but Scully, Scully is different.

I need Scully.  I love her.

Slowly the warmth of her body begins to pervade my own and I sigh.  This is
good.  So good.

I was broken tonight but in her embrace I begin to heal.

Again.
 

In her presence I find my guiding light, my anchor and my rock.

I *was* lost tonight.

~*~*~

I've left her bedside now and I watch her through glass from the corridor, my
fingers pressed against the cold surface as if this action will let me hold on
to her, keep her with me.  It doesn't work, the cold is back in my body and I
shiver involuntarily.  Her illness has made me look into myself and I realise
now what she truly means to me.

Everything.

As I turn to leave her I plead with her God to let her live, to give her back
to me - whole.  For I know that if she goes there will be no one to heal me,
no one to guide me, hold me fast and steady on my course.

I will get lost again without her.

Dragged down into the dark depths of despair in a soul filled with so much
pain and sorrow.  Turning the key and locking myself into my own dark, lonely
hell, where no one will ever find me.  She found me once  the day she walked
into the Basement, and over the years she has begun to unlock me, but no one
could ever understand me like she does.  No one else could ever take her
place.

Without her I'd just throw away the key.

I'm scared.  I want her treatment to work.  I don't want to be left.

I don't want to be without her.

I was lost tonight.  Tonight when I saw Samantha again and I lost her, again.
Tonight when I felt the warmth of Dana against me and to lose her became all
too tangible a reality.  I caved in.  My resolve failed me.  I was lost
tonight but Dana grounded me again.  Without Dana ---

Please dear God, I don't want to be lost.
 
 
 
 
 

THE END

"A beautiful and ineffectual angel, beating in the void his luminous wings in
vain."
 From 'Shelley' by Matthew Arnold

Doesn't that just sum up Mulder's quest beautifully?
 

Thank you for reading thus far.  Any comments to
Yvonne_Richards@classic.msn.com

If you enjoyed this and want more, my other stories are archived on Gossamer
and  this
and future stories are also available on XFCreative  and XFF.

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A Desperate Search - Poem
Believe the Lie 1/1
Bring Him Home 1/1
Butterfly Kisses 1/1
Casting Out Demons 1/3
Do I Have a Choice Mulder? 1/1
Ghosts 1/5
Her Last Gift 1/1
I was Lost Tonight 1.1
La rechechre du temps perdu 1/8
(The Remembrance of Things Past)
Lean on Me 1/1
Only on My Own 1/1
Silence of the Lamb 1/1
The Long Hard Road 1/1
The Unspoken Truth 1/5
Through Your Eyes 1/5
Twister 1/1
Who'll Stand Up for Me Now? 1/1